Finally it all make sense

After all these years of drifting and wandering around, I now know where's home. It was much to me then and probably messed up a little, maybe still is now but that's home. It doesn't matter what it is. It's home; she's home. I only hope that she'll allow me to unlock to what's left.

I miss her like no other.

Embarrassment

...is what happens when one sents a text to the attached person that one is attracted to which contents describe the frustration of which the attached person referred to one as dude in the text. Hence, giving meaning to the description as quoted in the Oxford, "shy, awkward or guilty feelings".

For love, for her.

I had for half a decade or so I had despised the church to the point of renouncing the legibility of the institution.

For my grandfather’s final sermon at his wake I was close to walking out because I resented the service and those giving it.

For her I pledge that if she ever came back I'll attend church again.

I already did. Attended a whole full length Sunday service with no reservations.

All these even before knowing if she will ever come back.

All for her

I do not know how to explain this but I will try. In these few years, I have tried my very best to forget about her and it seems that every time when I get just close enough to do so, she will appear in the many ways that would bring to her, be it a dream, a call on petty issues or like the recent, a random appearance in friendster. I was already determined to move on, to try to forget and let go, yet she appears.

I shall try again I suppose this time, or even spend a lifetime trying, for another chance to say sorry and not leave each other again. I’m heading to church tomorrow if I can get up on time. Fuck all, I'm going to give it my best shot.

Insomnia

Can't sleep. Been reading through my posts throughout the years. Noticed haloscan screwed up. So I took it off and revert to blogger's comment feature instead. Past comments (or what's left) are still in the archive.

I notice a shift in my way of writing somewhere towards the 3rd quater of 2005 and she's been a constant theme in my blog, although there may be shifts in my perception of how she affected my life.

Not random

Young lovers' tiff,
an ever lingering kiss,
is there greater gift,
than the one we miss?

in the act of describing

An edited conversation.


bro
i'm in a very disturb state of mind
unable to concentrate on my reading
haven’t had that for a while
but tonight everything came back
why must she appear
is this a sign?
is this a reminder of the consequence of messing with an attached girl
or could this be a reminder that she's the one i truly love
or is this appearance due to the fact to let me know i've moved on, a s in a test?
well, we aren't students of freud and neither are we experts in semiotics
but bro, i can't get this thoughts, or rather questions out of my head
and each answer is a rhetoric
posing a perpetual string of questions
i'll even use the word propagate to describe it
i'm going mad
but it means i have a higher chance of getting her back
fuck for years
2-3 years
no sign of her
but y tonight
and y single
i can't help but to idealist
for to accept reality that this is just accidental would be that i accept that what happened between her and me was accidental and hence the love i felt or i'm feeling would have ended
so again this is a yo yo thingy
it;'s a fucking marxist contradiction
i'm seriously going mad
and having a cold, with my head cracking pain
is not helping
but i can't sleeep
i can't read
i just keep talking to myself and every now end then end up with the same question
(s)
bro..... how ?
how am i to move on?
do i want to move on?
is it possible to move on?
my head's cracking, for to never have loved would have been better
but how would i know that if i never had loved?
fuck!
i'm really going insane!
very indeed
i seriously hope that what they say life and all the unanswered questions will flash by on ur last breathe is true
at least things will make sense in the end
for now it's endless
that's another huge rhetoric
i know what u mean
to simplfy
does this god damn world lives in us or do we live in this god damn world?
.... idunno bro
but for me the asnwer to all my questions is still her
but how do i answer the question of her?
for she is an answer that i question
im so fuckedddddddddd
i bet u get a psychiatrist here right now he'll certify me mad
no doubt
addiction or solution i dunno
how not to
bro
if she didn't pop up i won't have
y the fuck did she pop up?????!!!!!!
yyyyyyyyy?
and if she popped up with "in a relationship"
i wouldn't have either
fuck
serious shit
first thing i saw was her pic
then i though "hah! finally she pops up, of all ppl"
then i saw closer
"single!"
and hell broke loose
..i can't call, i've got no number
and i dun wanna rush into it and fuck my chances
this has to be properly planned, military precision
i know once i get her back i can close this chapter for good
this is a woman whom i won't think twice marrying
told ya
my thoughts are running all about
but bro
serious shit
i seriously want it to happen
to get her back
for i figured it
that ever since then, my life has been referenced back to her
every darn thing
she's the key to this insanity
she's the one
that's what we call regret
i wish i knew the answer to that
comeon
u know me so many years
so many fucking years and don't tell me you couldn't see it
dont tell me you couldn't see how much she means to me
i tried bro
i did
but today
tonight
sigh
you as a medic should know how hard it is to give up ciggies
and i managed
maybe when i told her "i miss you" at the end of our conversation it did had an effect?
her birthday
aother letter with the card
best way to do it
if u can think of anything better do tell bro
i really need this
i need this to work
i'll head back to malaysia 2nd week of june
if i need to i'll head up to singapore immediately
i've got a month to plan this
fuck
what if she isn't back?
ahhh shit
she's doing her final semester
i got to structure this so she will meet me face to face
aight bro
i'm gonna try to get some sleep
ok bro
i'm gonna sleep
head's hurting
u tc too bro

Indescribable

Just when I thought that things couldn’t be messier, my world has just been transformed to a sort of ballet of quarter age drama with a bit more all rolled into one. Is it by coincidence or fate or simply accidental that she (not J) appeared as one of those random people display in Friendster? And is it by coincidence or fate or simply accidental that she is no longer attached? God knows how much I loved (love still) her and the moment I try to very well call it quits and move one this happens? Throw in my fascination with J at the moment and this all seem too much. Why? Is this to serve as a testament to re-enforce the fact that I am now willing to move on or is it a reminder of who I should and had truly love?

Anti-confusion

I suppose it is becoming clearer and clearer the distinction between J and me. Fuck. I suppose in the end it will just be another platonic friendship and nothing more. I hate it when things end up that way. What is it with me and attached woman and why does it always have to turn out this way? Retribution for what I’ve done? If it is, then when will it be over? It has been a while since I have truly had anything or anyone proper.

Confusion Confuse

I’m in such a confused state because there is a huge discrepancy between knowing and believing. As said, I know that between J and me there can’t be more than friendship but at the same time I refuse to believe that. Even when all the signs are evident that things will not go much further I choose to ignore them and believe in those less significant signs that say otherwise. I choose to believe in attraction and at the same time I know of the reality. It has come to a point where I am confused by the confusion which in the first place couldn’t have logically existed. I am so screwed.

I'm in deep shits!

I'm nothing short of being in her charms. Even more so everyday. How?

The Unknown ponders

I guess it’s as much as the anticipation and the wait that leads to the end result. I am still finding it hard to pin point exactly where I stand and what position I am at; most probably because I do not want to. It had been many years of me living in what I call a “stagnant slump” and I suppose after being at the bottom for so long makes it a little hard to make my way out of the black hole I’ve created. I find it difficult to comprehend and analyse what I feel and what my thoughts are at the moment as it is almost foreign to me. They are very familiar situations but in a whole different context and perceived in a very different light. These few days I’ve been wondering if all that is happening how is just a ripple in this chapter of my life or could it be a complete twist giving way to a whole new chapter? I suppose time will tell, sooner of later time will tell but for now, I am very confused.

The Subtext of Seduction

14. As soon as one begins looking for signs of mutual attraction, then everything that the beloved says or does can be taken to mean almost anything. And the more I looked for signs, the more there were of them to read. In every movement of Chloe's (in my case J's) body, there seemed to be potential evidence of desire - in the way she straightened her skirt [as we crossed into Early Northern Painitng] (or the way J sat, slanted, with her legs stretched towards my seat in the lecture?), or coughed bvy van Eyck's The Marriage of Giovanni Arnolfini, or handed me the catalogue in order to rest her head on her hand. And when I listened closely to her conversation, it too revealed itself as a mindfield of clues - was I wrong to read a degree of flirtation in her remark that she was tired or her suggestion we look for a bench?

(Essays in Love, Alain de Botton)

Note: Chloe's fictional and single, J isn't.

It's just an illusion

And ponder will I no more because, it's nothing more than an illusion.

Therefore

Hence it is only an illusion,
The illusion of something I keep wanting,
Noting more,
notihng less.

She's yet another.

Attraction, is it really? Or am I blinded to what’s allured? Questions with answers I do not wish to know; answers which I would choose to ignore. Could it be that I’m tempted by notion of play itself? More and more I constantly ignore logic. Where will this lead? How do I resist? Why do I persist? She’s with another and I haven’t felt this way for quite a while. Would I want to be the other? I pledged never again. How would this very well end?

It’s beginning to look very well I’m writing history all over again. I don’t want to.