Amnesia

30 hours straight no sleep. Getting slight amnesia. Got to jot down my thoughts immediately. They come, go and forgoten. Physically numb as well. Mentally inapt. Thank god I don't drive here!

Archi-torture

An architecture course should come with a health warning. Yes, exactly the kind that they have on ciggy boxes, the Australian ones, with detailed description of health hazards which may be associated. Think this time it's gonna be a record breaker for me. Heaps to do, running out of time. Been straight awake for 28 hours. I reckon I won't get any sleep till 4-5pm Friday. Lets see if I can topple my previous record of 43 hours straight.

...OMG

Crap! Fuckin' hell! Reality strikes, shit I've only got 9 days to the end of the semester. END of my fucking final semester. I've got 2 submissions, Design and Asian Architecture B which means I have to cop up presentation drawings and final fucking 1:200 model for Design and a motherfucking 1:20 scale of a Chinese fucking bridge with an arse of a pavillion sitting on it for Asian Architecture B. NINE FUCKING DAYS! I'm worried now...!

Times like this

At times like this I would blog. It the point where my mind slips between the concious and subconcious. At times like this I could see, feel, engage in the many thoughts in my mind. Thoughts which I hide, thoughts which I ignore, thoughts which is indulge in. At times like my mind flies high. A stroll in the park which have yet to happen, sharing gelato's, sipping coffee. Windy walks where leaves cast ever playful shadows and rain rays of light. I wonder far, I wonder why, I wonder no more. Dreams are here in my head, dreams which are hard for me to say...

No. I'm not on weed, just lacking sleep. A little on the low side, a little too tired for the ride. At times like this, I could only blog.

..pissed off

The damn broadband connection I got is fucked! As they say, good things don't come cheap and cheap thing don't come good. Ditto!

Unpublished 01

Here's an unpublished post from August 12, 2004. Never thought of posting this then but it seems fit now to look back and trace my footsteps.

I’m a reserved person. I don’t usually show my emotions, least not the part which I really want to show. Hence, the Unknown. It really started off as a screen name which I used during secondary school days. They have this school channel thing in IRC, many of us would remember those days. The Unknown spoke of politics within that skin, politics and issues too heated to be discussed in the open. The Unknown was a mask. Pretty much, it soon gained a meaning. All these years gave a life to the name; I became the Unknown. Unknown to those who know me and more so the Unknown to myself. Silence I fear most, yet its tranquillity provides me with peace. Peace in isolation of the cacophony of noise I live in. It may sound abstract but every single moment of life is filled by noise, the noise of the surroundings, the sound of chatter and more prominently, the noise of one’s thoughts. I tend to think a lot, it’s perpetual. Fragment of thoughts become constant ambient noise. Silence can’t be created, yet it can be achieve. Never through alcohol or any other substance but always though balance. Striking the perfect balance is the key to pure silence, where noise cancels each other out. In these 3 years, I come to understand the importance of balance. Anyone ever wondered how it’s like to be in balance? It’s love. Love is loud. The racing pulse, the rush of thoughts, the exchange of words amongst every little thing and yet in these intense moment, peace is found. Love creates perfect balance. Love is Pure Silence. I admit I’m a coward when it comes to love, aren’t we all? To flirt is easy, but to commit is hard. Love itself is so volatile, it either clicks or it turns catastrophic. In love, there is no leeway, no give and take. Love is fluid, love is a whole. In the midst of noise I found her, and yet many a times I let her slip away, I fear the worse which I yearn the most. I’m afraid she might slip away like many others. I’m afraid I slip away like always. I love her but I dare not; for it’s love!

Noise?

I haven’t blogged for a while. The reason being I do not know what to blog and I do not have the necessity to do so. One might question why? The reason is simply the purpose of the blog. Ultimately, this blog should be a documentation of fragments of my search for pure silence. When I started this blog, I was ultimately lost. I was lost within my thoughts, intentions and motive. I was suffering depression. I admit it. Over time, and through my posts, I came to realise stuff. Stuff like why I’m depressed. Stuff like how much I was affected by my second relationship, stuff that I had trouble realising and admitting. Realisation is the key to resolution. Now I’ve realised a few of those stuff; stuff that I would need to resolve, stuff to be honest with myself. I’ve been hiding for way too long. I’ve been playing all those characters in real life whom wasn’t me. Through this blog, I found me; half the problem is tackled; half way through resolving them. I slipped, I fell. Only that I never knew how much. I know now. The search for Pure Silence will never be complete. It can never be achieved. Pure Silence is peace. We live in a world of constant change, a world of loud ambient noise. This blog defines what’s loud to me and what is silent. I’ll be silent for a while. I want to enjoy and appreciate the tranquillity I’ve achieve so far. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop blogging. It only means the purpose of this blog is deemed to change, not the nature. I’ll probably focus on stuffs concerning society. I’ve always wanted to do so. I love to theorise, I love philosophy, and I’ll be making noise, only not as soon….

Hiatus

winter's cry
Originally uploaded by The Unknown.

The Unknown is tired and drowning in work, as such I won't be blogging as often (not to say I do it that often anyways). Instead of blogging, I'll run stuffs which I wrote or did from the recent year like this...

You Selfish Bastard!

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

I ought to be sleeping!

You know what they say, you can't get enough of a good thing, nevertheless, it is true for the opposite. Just got off the phone with the second ex. Regular reader should know that she is the one whom i bitch about in this blog. Guess I've since stop doing that. It's not ethical I suppose, well, least that's proven today. I did talked about her quite a bit with my last ex, the third. You know, relationships are meant to be open etc. Guess not, I mean, my dear advise to anyone reading this, keep your skeletons in your very own closet. Forget about sharing, you'll only end up sharing the blame when the other creates shit. The second ex called because, my last ex, happens to end up in the same university as her, doing the same bloody course and being the person she is (and the person I couldn't stand, parted with her pretty quickly), very superficial, she's been spreading news about the second ex. I couldn't help myself laughing at this. It's like one of them movies, two women coming head to head. Anyways, yea, she's pissed that I had to re-emerge in her otherwise perfectly fine life now. "Happily attached and evolved", in her very own words (guess you aren't that happy now are you?). I am also laughing my head off because, quite some time ago she said to me "I have forgoten you". Forget me after all I've done for you? You wish! I didn't even plan this. I was pratically being a dickhead when I told the last ex about her. Funny how things will turn out. Call it sweet revenge or whatever, I'm calling it life. Maybe there is still a little bit of that "mess with me and I'll fuck you up" substance of my old self in me, only that I never did mean to use it. Least not on her, enough is enough. At the end of the day, I suppose the moral of the story is, "what goes around comes around". How true, and of course, "don't fuck around with me". Kidding.

Fucked

This hasn't been a good week for me now has it? Bad enough that I'm having bouts of depression, bad enough I've got to miss out on God's Kitchen. Now my print head just fucked up! Yes, I am not fully awake, fuck! To cut an extremely long rant short, I fucked up the print catridge to the point the printer rejects it. On top of that, tainted my bottle of yellow refill with magenta. So much for trying to get some work done. FUCK! Getting really pissed off with fucking life.

Gaps

I find it hard to write properly at this moment, mainly because I just woke up. What I really want to say is that we as human fantasise. That differentiates us from animals. We have the ability to imagine. To analyse situations and project them to greater highest, to predict the future and to a certain extent, that drives us. We set ourselves goals and we try our very best to achieve them. We go great distance to realise the dreams we have. I fantasise quite a bit. I have my dreams and certainly goals which I want to achieve. Looking back at my lists of the many things I would like to have, they are probable the same as everyone else; to be successful. The difference lies in the definition of success, every one of us have our very own. Eager to realise every one of them, I did push myself a little too hard, rush though things a little too quickly. I wasn’t careful at choosing between what I want and what I need. In the end, I had too many of “I want” and neglected my “I need”. I took a dive when things tumbled down which lead to depression. Depression, to me, is caused by gaps in our live, metaphorically, these gaps are like foot prints left on a beach, wipe clean by the waves when they come ashore. At times, the waves aren’t nearly as strong, and the prints do not get erase. These empty gaps are essentially the “emptiness” one feels. When I was wiped clean of the things I had, I was left bare and empty and for this two, almost 3 whole years now I’ve been both trying to fill those gaps up. Some of them, sadly, still remain as bare as they were before. Those are the gaps I can’t fill by myself, they are meant only to be washed away by the waves. I still am waiting for the water to hit the shores. I believe now, some times it takes us two leaps to come close and one very essential step back to achieve. Moral of this post, “all good things come to those who wait”. I should wait.

An Episode

Just got out of the shower, spent a good half hour right until the hot water flowing onto my back ran short. Approximately an hour prior to that, had an episode of sudden deep depression. I am still trying to understand what happened to me. It happened before, about half a year ago, but I attributed that to the frustration I had working out my design. This one was sudden. Had a perfectly normal day. Came back, slept, woke up to have food, and about 3 hours after that it just came. I became aggitated, thoughts begin flowing endlessly into my mind. It's almost like my subconcious suddenly took over my concious. Tried sleeping, only made the situation worse. Half an hour after that, it was at it's peak, full-time disorientation. Distorted vision, I just couldn't focus. I had no control over my thoughts; it was like day dreaming, only I couldn't snap out of it. Tried looking for someone to talk to, none was available. I would have called my mate in the UK, texted him, he was doing his ward rounds.Last resort was to take a long hot bath. I've always liked to take long baths, find it really relaxing, nevermind the water restrictions in Victoria; my mind is of piority. Thank God it helped. Depression is fading off as I am typing this while a tension headache is coming in. I rather the later. You know? I was never like this. I was never depressed, least not up to this state. I'll probably seek help sooner or later. Really, I miss living a normal life. I really miss going to bed and wake up as a normal person; not remembering the dreams I had right down to the finest detail. I miss being me. Anyone else having the same issue? Please let me know if anyone has a proven solution to this. I am reallysick and tired of this shit as much as I'm sure of someone else. (EL, if your reading this, sorry to disrupt your near sleep).