Week 4 anxiety

I am very stressed up. I know I shouldn’t be but I am and right now I’m at the rhythmatic relaxed point which will soon revert to being really stressed up again. I am tired as I believe I’ve worn myself thin by the amount of work I am putting into my design.

I have a deadline to meet soon. I have a project which is built upon complexity (big mistake!) which I’ve conjured up as a reaction from the criticism by the tutor on the simplicity of my first scheme.

It’s rhizomatic (vs tree like) and has no linear logic or predictable process outcome; ultimately a sort of gamble which I am worried that it’ll end up fucked.

I’m stressed up because this (architecture) is amongst the few valuable things left which I have in life. I can’t but give it my best.

The best is often built on pain, passion and patience.

I am stressed up that those will in the end break me.

Falls

That autumn was so much, the sun brushed on my face as the cool breeze brings leaves down like fiery snowflakes and the pavement make silly jokes at my long shadow. I had so much then; if only I had realised because by the middle of winter, I had lost it all. 27th July 2002. It is hard to forget what you don’t seek to remember.

Don't know

Maybe it's closure or maybe it's just supressed anger, or even maybe it's a combination of both that I tend to ignore most of the stuff in life nowadays?

I've been on a low for too many eyars now, half a decade to be exact. I want to get back to my two feet as soon as possible.

Dog day afternoon

I had a bad day.
I feel lousy.
But,
I believe that there will be a day where I will be who I am again.
I will be able to say fuck off straight to another person’s face.
And there will be those who will pay,
For my bitterness comes with a price.

No one gets away for a dog day afternoon.

Why?

Time.
I'm doing time.
Too late now.
Can't turn back.

A few more years.
I hope.
No definative sentence.

Realisation.

Life is such.
Least for me.

Something

Each of us builds realms, pea-pods which encapsulate memories and meanings. Every once and a while we are reminded of the pod we live in and sometimes we forget and move on to a new pod. The will be times when we pause a little and the long forgotten pods began to open up and oh, how they open!

Trying my very best to forget, there will still be times when I am reminded of the many moments I miss dearly.