Serenity

I could see this bench in the distance, facing sunset. I see myself, aged 14, sitting there on the bench, alone but contented and free. I sat there for as long as the sun never sets and there wasn’t a single noise, not even a single sound that could be heard.

I’m that pissed off now. I’m so utterly pissed off and upset that images such as described are playing in my head.

Bad.

She did receive the letter.

But she didn't call for that.

It now seems irreparable.

...and I probably deserved every bit of it.

Time again

I can't help but to feel hopeless, hopeless without her or rather the notion of having her. I can't help but to feel that I'm missing out on the big picture as I can't see beyond my horizon.

I'm so happy I might just jump off a cliff

Manage depression.
Choose life.
Meet someone.
Do well.
Try to be happy.

Those are the list of things I that I wanted to do/achieve once back in uni.

Depressed.
Lifeless.
No one.
Got fucking grilled for design.
Very unhappy.

This is how it is at the moment, one month into uni.

Sleep isn't

...if there's anything at all that will drive me mad, it would be my dreams. It's almost is as good as having no sleep at all. I wake up mentally drained. FUCK!

Hate note!!

Life for me is so fucked up at times that I feel like I'm in this prison, where I can watch but never touch, where I can see but never feel. I hate my life! I hate how time and every bit that came with it made me the person I am today, perpetually lost. I hate the fact that I can't get over her because there's none to fill the gap she left. I hate the fact that I am now always caution of my doings because I can't afford to mess up again. I despise the fact that I have to constantly manage my life so my down periods are kept to a minimum. I hate how I'm now ever so temperamental. I hate the fact that I find it impossible to forgive myself and continue to live in bitterness. I hate the fact that... I could already see the end.

Dispensable

The weather is an absolute dream today, especially after sunset. Laced with light breezes at about 20 degrees, one could almost taste the ambience of autumn in the air. There is a certain kind of charm on days like this, those that would make you want to cuddle in the park, share a gelato and watch as the surrounding people slowly disappear. It is one of those which are to be filled with moments that linger in memory long after the event that made them.

Those were the images that played vividly in my head as I walked home. I have none as I have nothing to begin with.

Living on a thin thread, it all starts to feel like it does not matter anymore.

south

It is only a matter of time before I start to twirl into in a downwards spiral. Yet again, it is caused by the same old ad nausea agendas that have never really been resolved. Only God knows how long I’ll live like this, managing every bit of this side of my life like a disease, the terminal kind. I have had it with looking for a way out, 3 years in the making and none came to light. I hope the end do come soon, to either; this or life because clearly in the state I’m in, I’m not living.

...as he walked away into the sun.

He’s an old Texan, all wrinkled up, hair none other than frail white. Still, each time he spoke of his younger days, his eyes lit up ever so brightly, giving sheer contrast from his rustic mellowed voice. His younger days were none other than those at work, where he overlooked the design team or when they used to draft by hand. He never spoke of anything other than that, even when he spoke of blondes, but that too was to do with a chap at work. He didn’t speak for the sake of speaking and it wasn’t merely to comment on our work as every word that came out of his lips were of a bygone era, the story of his life.

As the evening came, we all adjourned and made our way out of uni, as the bulk of students departed for the train, all that was left was this old man walking all alone from it all. Every step he took got him further from the crowd and I couldn’t help but to think that I end up at the very same path he took as he walked into the sun.

All alone.

Heartbreak Hotel

There, beauty at the moment in all that is lost.
Untold and foreign to those who knew.

Champagne Supernova

Times like this I feel all swallowed up, it like trying to scream without voice. Pure frustration. Every little bit feels like I'm being punished for my every move.