she might have

Because I chose to, not realising the consequences, too blinded by what I thought I had. I stepped aside and walked on. Never realised that she was trailing so closely by. I looked back in anger never knew it was still not too late. She never said, I never knew till she had slide by. No longer will she wait, no longer will I hear footsteps, except those of my own. I tried hard to trace my way back but she’s gone. I thought I heard myself say that I should go far away but I all I hear is me saying I shouldn’t have never walked away.

Untitled

It feels like as if I have stood still for a bit too long. Time hurried by and all that is left are fragments of by gone memories. Perhaps I’ve been staring out the little window for a bit too long, watching them come and go. Seasons after seasons, they all went by and all I did was to watch in the shadows, unnoticed by the many who had never stepped into the footsteps of the lost.

Tram spotting

Life is what you make out of it not what it makes out of you - my very own mantra many years ago, which I find so hard to embrace today.

Choose life. What is life? Have I been in the running for too long to let it all slipped by? It sure feels so. So life becomes foreign as ever.

Chosen isolation. This happens to be method of choice to live for the past 3 years where minimal contact with the outside world is encouraged. First 6 months of isolation was unfelt as I had her, somehow or rather it made living easy. Next 2 and a half years, insolation was spent figuring out life it self or rather how to choose life.

Blatant ignorance. For 2 half years I’ve ignored life as a whole as I dwell in my thoughts.

Choose life? How am I to do so? I really do wonder. Where do I begin and what pieces are left? There are so little that I could pick up and most of them just crumble the moment I lay a finger on them. Time waits for none and true enough, everything’s all so different and there is very little I could relate to.

Even though I’ve finally decided to choose life, the question is how will life choose me?

Uber depressing.

Non-miracle

And here I am, wondering what lies ahead, what will happen next.

Somehow or rather emptiness is creeping in quickly despite the brave jovial front I put up day to day.

I just want to drift away and lay my thoughts to rest. I wish the end would come quickly for life has turned into an endless drag of non-meanings.

I am so tired of waiting, so tired of doing time in this imaginary prison.

I wonder why life has to come to such.

None

There I was in nothing-ness,
hoping that nothing will end,
and therefore here I am,
in nothing.

Walk down Yarra

A bite on the lips,
or was it a kiss?
Lovers' tiff,
brings meaning to grief,
seasons change,
and I'm back again...

Landed

It's like I've never left.
Almost as if the time that I was in Malaysia was a distant memory.
Everything here's so familiar and yet so surreal.

I am a stranger at a place I used to call home.

MAS

After being put on hold for quite a while, I finally got to talk to the customer service lady. She wasn't very helpful and all other further question was answered by "please contact your agent". Next thing you know, she just hung up on me. Now, if I could contact my agent, I wouldn't be calling the 24 hour helpline right. I would probably fly Singapore Airlines the next time. This again reminds me on how fucked up the majority of people in these country.

Go bust for god sakes. I thought the encounter with your drunken cabin crew drinking at the corridor of a certain 7-11 was bad enough. My affinity for this country is wearing thin, very thin.

As the night darkened

..it all faded away.
Drifted, little by little into memory.

Memories, that's all I have.

Bridge over troubled waters

I see her every now and then in the MRT as stations passed.
I finally am at Raffles, went to the quay.
There, it all became a blur.
It all soon came to an end.

There I was in the MRT, wishing so much she was by my side.

Yesterday once more

I finally got down to writing what I should have said many years ago, raw and unreserved. Coincidentally, I ended it with the date "02/02/2006". I didn't do it on purpose but that happened to be the day we broke up and later got back together, somesort. We gave each other another chance, and it was beautiful. It all ended on 27th July 2002 when I left her out in the cold when she needed me the most.

I have mixed feelings now that the letter is sent. I do not know how she will react and I have not a clue of the repercussions. Deep down inside, I think it'sall to do with fear and uncertainty.

I never had felt so lost inside for a long time.

All I can do is to pray that whatever meanings the letter will bring, it will be for her very best. She deserves every ounce of it after all that she had gone through.

No longer

I can't find the skateboard park near the youth park.
It's probably no longer there.
I took a stroll along the familiar stairs that run from the back to the front of takashimaya.
I was overwhelmed with emotions I have buried for a long time.
I have yet to get to the quays, I might do so tomorrow.
I notice I've only been running away.
It is till too much for me to confront.
Even after all these years.