Disturbed, ever

Seems like shits just happen, no matter how much I try to avoid them. Shits just happen, even more so when you try hard to be correct. I left the live I had many years ago for one single reason and that is nothing more than to do the right thing, simply put, I wanted to be correct. I suppose it is hardest when one tries hard to thread the right path, no wonder they say nice guys finish last, and they aren’t just talking about getting the girls.

I carry a burden with me every single step I take. The burden is nothing more or less than knowing more than I should. I just wish I could care less at times, know less and possible plan less, thus less the expectation hence less the disappointment.

I’m growing wary of life. It may sound like I’m a little too young to be credible enough to say so but hey, I’ve seriously had enough of all the nonsense that comes with it. I’m honestly tired.

All I want is to be able to get a peaceful night’s sleep, a clear mind the next morning and that ever longed feeling of satisfaction knowing I did good by evening.

Is that really too much to ask for?

I’m humbled…

Just about a year ago, as nostalgic as it seems my life was close to being complete. Never mind that I’ve wasted 5 years of my prime picking up the bits and pieces as I should be grateful and contented for the little bit at the end of my uni days. I was indeed. Back on my 2 feet at top of my game after years of planning and planting bore fruit.

Achievements which only years earlier thought to be a distant dream were all given a healthy tick as I planned even further ahead. If one were to ask me the much overused “where do you see yourself in 5 years”, I’ll gladly give you the details rivalling a business plan.

Like clockwork at the final 2 years I went from bottom failure grade student to top scores, dean’s list and a first class honours even with a chunky margin after a subject screwed up bad, and that’s only the academics. I had jobs in top firm in Asia all lined up after working hard during each uni break. So much so that all I had was to ring my pick and say hello, no interview required. My battered confidence made a slow but steady comeback, which sure helped on the humour bit. It all added up to one comfortable complete sum.

On the very last day, just before my definitive flight back to Malaysia, I might have even found someone whom I am willing to give this one a go at a relationship but alas, my plans I'm not willing to change, not when they are already too well executed and so I left.

I left with a heavy heart, dragging all the way along the pavement to the airport. I remember very well saying that.

Fast forward a year and here I am, here inMalaysia, here in a mess. I’ve since quit my high flying high paying high end job in July in expectation of my pr. I did manage to finish an independent project with my own partnership but soon the finance world got messed up and we lost 2 projects since then. So now I’ve got essentially no income. Two thirds of my life savings got screwed by the poisoned Wall Street bull.

My pr application for Aus looks as if it’s going to take forever seeing how the country has gone into recession, I insist though most would say it has not. Even if I get my pr, the prospect of a job seems bleak over there especially when friends already getting laid off. My health isn't any better having taken a toll from all these years pushing myself working late nights.

So here I am, hanging on a little glimpse of hope that all of this will just blow by like a little cold. The thought of starting all over again is simply unbearable.

It scares me as much as it disappoints me how everything has unfolded this year. I’m almost back on my knees, maybe not as bad as 5 years ago, but close. Very close indeed. Too close for comfort as the telltale signs of my daily nightmares have made a regular comeback.

bull in shit

Painful is when one loses two thirds of his life savings in less than a year.

Fucken hell and I wasn't even gambling!

Painful it sure is.

on the run

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.
___

Time, by Pink Floyd. Reflect.