Pure Noise

here

2012-01-28T21:52:00.000+11:00

an empty place,
a familiar face,
a bitter aftertaste,
none's a waste.

too close too near,
now i see clear,
memories kept,
sorrows i wept.

wounded scars,
healed by far,
coloured past,
passed too fast.

back on ground,
settle down,
thoughts and frowns,
i won't drown.

saved by a Saviour,
i'll always remember.

:)

Be still and know that I am God (Palsms).

2011-10-09T19:04:00.004+11:00

Of late, it feels as though my need to fill this space is gradually dimishing. No longer have I got the urge to dump my thoughts nor empty my emotions here and so have I lost my flair of writing (not that I ever had).

As much as I treasure all that I have written thoughout the years, I ponder on the prospect of burying this journal.

I suppose I will take the lack of "conversations" as a good thing as I am truly convinced that I write best when I am depressed.

Perhaps the time is nearing for me to move on and I have a feeling it will be very soon.

:) Praise God

f!

2011-06-18T00:44:00.002+10:00

Dented a brand new dish washer while moving it. Life's just that great for me at the moment.

Still jobless.

hate taxi drivers.

2011-06-14T00:10:00.005+10:00

Woke up to find the driver's side door and front guard dented in pretty badly, smeared with yellow paint.

Go figure.

On the bright side, I am still unemployed (despite applying for jobs for a month) and my former work still owes me 13k or thereabouts. Sacasm intended.

double whammy

2011-06-07T22:20:00.001+10:00

depressing, so utterly depressing!

Psalms

2011-05-06T05:20:00.005+10:00

So I've quit the job and I've been on my "extended" break ever since.
God tells me to be patient. "Be still and know that He is God" he says.

I hope it'll be soon (I'm trying really hard to be patient).

I HATE DESIGN

2011-03-23T19:54:00.002+11:00

The Friday of the following week will be my last day at the office. I can't wait for that. As much as my boss is the best I've ever worked with, the nature of the job itself has taken a toll on me. I despise architecture to the guts. I have come to strongly believe that design is over rated and designers are in essence, delusional.

The office owes me a total of about $15000. Never did I ever doubt that they will pay me, but when and if they can, worries me day by day.

I have a distinctive dislike working with my colleague, which I had mentioned quite a few times here. I have some serious issues with people exerting authority on me when I don't have the required amount of respect for them, from people who thinks that they ought to because they know better, when as a matter of fact, I know they don't.

It is truly time for me to move on, to delve in stuff which I like. Perhaps even in.... architecture, the profitable sort ran as a business and couldn't care less about design.

Freaking architects.

Serba salah

2011-02-17T00:26:00.003+11:00

The two things which hold me back from quiting is, one, quilt as I feel that I may leave them understaffed and two, I don't know what to do next.

I do know what I won't do next. I doubt I will ever want to have anything to do with architecture from this point onwards. I've sang my swan song and I should leave it as such. I already hanging on way too long as it seems.

Time to quit, for good. Suprisingly, quiting the smokes were easier.

ashamed to be an architect

2010-11-24T01:19:00.003+11:00

I am going to have to look for a new job, the current workplace owes me wages back to March. My collegue is power tripping at the moment as he's put in charge of his very first project which at times pisses the shit me off whenever he disregards my views by interlectualising them. Fuck you cheebye, I was getting things built when you were still busy helping your now fiance draw up her shits for uni.

You can interlectualise and glorify architecture at it's very best. I'm jumping ship to a practice which may not be as "true" to architecture but at least reaps in enough profits to pay their employees.

Lone Pine

2010-10-23T15:50:00.002+11:00

I finally got to see some photos of the completed Lone Pine Hotel expansion in Penang. Partly was because it was remarkably true to the design which I penned a couple of years ago, the only difference being the colour and some other minor details, and I got my pitch roof instead of the flat roof which the client, my boss and the landscape architect preferred.

I teared because if you like, its my child in terms of design and more so because I'm only a surrogate. I left the firm pre-tender, and only the few people who were there at the moment in time know that it was my design. To the rest of the world, some bastards will take credit for it.

It also serves as reminder of the sacrifice I have to make in order to return to Australia.

All I do at work now is to take orders from an inexperience but thorough colleague, drafting unnecessary details for factories and the like which design I completely dispise.

And I still have yet to get paid my wage in full.

the bitter aftertaste

2010-08-31T00:05:00.002+10:00

This blog of mine has been around for awhile and it really is mostly about silent conversations. It’s almost like a little solitary place for most evidently my rants and for the matters I place close to my heart.

Just gathered that my former flatmate during my B Arch days has started off his own firm with a couple of partners and in all honesty, I can’t help but to feel left behind. Ironically I have anticipated that my career would take a backseat when I made my decision to return to Aus but somehow the thought of being left behind still bothers me no doubt.

I resent being stuck in the Australian immigration chaos and my career not only taking a step back but remaining at standstill. It doesn’t help that my current workplace is in a fiscal crisis and I have not been paid for months.

At times like this, I truly ponder hard on the decision I made, the sacrifices which comes with it and the insecurities it conjures. I’m not the best with being patient but I sure do hope all of this is worth the wait.

real estate agents are fake fucking cunts / rough patch

2010-06-22T16:33:00.007+10:00

1. I left Melbourne at the end of November 2007. Despite the fact that I love the place I left for the promise of a high soaring career in Malaysia.

2. I cut short my break as I was called to start work just barely 2 weeks after I returned to Malaysia.

3. Got promoted to a Design Architect post in a prominent firm after 3 months. I was put in charge a multi-million project. I was being groomed.

4. Started to feel empty despite flying high on success.

5. Had my own partnership on the side running, working on pet projects. First house commission.

6. Returned to Melbourne in April 2008 for my graduating. Within the weekend came to the realisation that Melbourne is home.

7. Made all needed arrangements and applied for my Permenant Residency at the end of May 2008.

8. Tendered my resignation at the end of July in anticipation of my Permenant Residency approval which normally takes about 8 months from date of application. Wanted to tie up all loose ends in my partnership. House commision was well into construction.

9. The GLC hit hard. All private jobs got canned except the house and 2 other which were in preliminary design stage.

10. House was completed in September. It was indeed good with very happy clients. Lost 2/3 of my money due to crashing commodities stocks.

11. Lost my final project in November. My bank account balance looked miserable without any income.

12. Last bit of savings left. No news on my Permenant Residency application. Decided to make my move to Singapore as an alternative in December 2008.

13. Although my contract was signed in Decemeber for the the office in Singapore, my work permit ran into difficulties. Had to reappeal.

14. Got my work permit a month later with literally no savings left.

15. Australian Immigration introduced piority processing for all Permenant Residency applications. My application got frozen.

16. Work in Singapore was bad. 4 out of 5 days a week I come home past midnight. 3 out of 4 weeks I work on both weekends. Non of the extra hours were paid for. I knew I would not be able to stay for long.

17. An incident in the office triggered my resignation in May 2009 and my return to Melbourne as a post graduate student in order to remain in Australia.

18. Found a part time job in Melbourne in August 2009.

19. Got a car in December 2009.

20. Car was running into heaps of issues.

21. Met my girlfriend at a dinner with a bunch of medical interns.

22. Had private jobs. A few went ahead and got completed and a few did not.

23. Office started having cash flow issues in mid February 2010

24. Got it going with my girlfriend. She's a wonderful person.

25. Had to sell the car as impending repairs were too costly. I got jipped by the dealer as it came with a blown gasket amongst other issues.

26. Office stopped paying due to cash flow issues.

27. Started to look for a place to rent in June 2010, least on current apartment will end in July 2010 and married housemates moving out.

28. Saw a place I like and was told to put an application in by Monday.

29. Drove up to Mildura on Sunday as girlfriend got posted there for her rotation.

30. Flew back on Monday to find out that I missed the application. Agent forgot to mention that it was due by 10 am. Only offered an appology and nothing more.

31. Saw another place a week later which I liked. Put in an application with an extra $10 per week. Called twice and was told my application was looking good.

32. Received an Sms moments ago telling me that my application was unsuccessful. I need to move out in less than 2 weeks.

Heart matters

2010-05-20T23:25:00.003+10:00

It isn't easy to be in a relationship, sometimes I truly question my ability to handle one based solely on the complexities of it. It's beyond gives and takes as it is also a matter of emotions. Emotions aren't something I handle very well as I question them too much too often. She's such a wonderful woman and yet I have this fear that I am not able to love her enough.

rough patch

2010-04-29T00:33:00.002+10:00

I need to move in June but can't do so as I would need a car to travel to uni and work.
I can't buy a car until my work pays me.
Work has not been paying me for the past 2 months.
I hate being an architect more and more each day.
I equally hate being a full time post grad student in a course I don't see the value in.

I cannot do anything until I get my PR or a clear direction on if I could reapply for a PR.
I get frustrated at all of the above and it does affect my relationship.

Relationships are not easy (I have commitment fears).
Times like this I want to just fade off and disappear.

Different sort of pain.

2010-03-25T18:00:00.003+11:00

Alan Lennox Motors at Bulleen Road. For those of you in Melbourne who are planning to get a car, in my personal opinion please stay clear of this establishment. Despite the fact that they are a RACV Green Light Motor Trader, the car that they sold me in December with a fully complient RWC is now in need of $1190 worth of repairs for it to be issued a RWC. I sincerely (the above mentioned establishment's may refute that, it is in their rights to) doubt that I could have split the suspension bushes, worned the sway bar links and cracked my brakelines by driving mostly on the eastern freeway. I specifically paid slightly above market price for the car and got it from a dealer expecting it to be not as dodgy as those listed privately. It is now clear that I was wrong.

Here's what I've learnt from my expensive lesson:
1. NEVER trust a used car dealer. NEVER.
2. The RACV Green Light scheme is wide open to abuse, hence NEVER take for granted that Green Light dealers are any better than the dodgy ones.
3. Buy private if the car is more than 10 years old or more than 150 000 kms (hence not covered by statutory warantee).
4. Insist on a RWC and get a pre purchase inspection (forget about the RACV, not only I've lost confidence in them, their prices are cut throat too, $280 vs approximately $150 by independent workshops)
5. 3rd party warantee schemes are waste of money. I've read through the exclusions and it excludes almost everything which will potentially go wrong. On the bits that they will cover, the meagre amount allocated would mean that you will still pay thousands. Hence they are pretty much useless.
6. Stay away from old BMWs.
5. Last but not least, in my personal opinion, Alan Lennox Motors can not be trusted.

I am still fuming.
On the bright side, she's coming back to Melbourne tomorrow. YAY!!!!!!

Doubts are bad

2010-03-22T23:58:00.002+11:00

I never realised how difficult it is to be in a relationship. Maybe its because I hadn't been in one for 6 years, never knew it would be that long. What are the expectations, what are her expectations?? Plus distance isn't helping at all, she being stuck out there in the wide open country while i'm in the city. Thank God her rotation ends this week and she'll be back in melbourne for a 10 weeks at least. I really pray that we would know for sure where this relationship is headed once she's back. I do miss her.

songs

2010-03-15T00:14:00.003+11:00

It is in the shadow that we see light,
it is within void that there would be fulfillment,
it is through humility that we find love,
and above all,
it is in the darkess moment that we shall find God's love.

Hallelujah.

:)

2010-03-14T03:26:00.000+11:00

and i told her.

and...

we'll try to make it work.

God is great! Amen!

God Almighty

2010-03-11T23:59:00.002+11:00

God is so great! its so easy to be sceptical to place my trust in Him but yet, He's never fails to be so easy to me.

:) Thank you Lord, Amen.

bits and pieces

2010-03-11T04:53:00.001+11:00

4:24amJe
yeah
it's good that you've found someone who makes you feel this way

4:25amThe unknown
you do realise that if things go awfully wrong on sat
i'll be deverstated
for a while

4:25amJe
i know

4:26amThe unknown
yea, ...i would almost know how to predict how i would feel and react in most situations
but this one is off the charts
i feel scared
honestly

4:26amJe
hehe isn't this feeling great?
i think you should relish it because it doesn't happen often

4:27amThe unknown
not the insecurity
the fear
it's pure fear
of losing that someone whom you like so much

4:28amJe
hehe i understand... but doesn't it make you feel so alive at the same time?

4:28amThe unknown
disctracted more of
i cant even eat my dinner in peace

4:28amJe
awww

4:28amThe unknown
my mind's all over the place
its like whatever else doesnt matter anymore
if only she know what i'm feeling right now
it'll be such a testament to how much i feel for her

4:30amJe
awww

4:30amThe unknown
..you're bloody enjoying this arent u?

hainanese chicken rice

2010-03-09T02:24:00.002+11:00

...I like her a lot and I could see how things will play out. The fuzzy warm long term relationship feeling inside isn't one which comes often.

I'll let her know next week.

:)

does she, does she not?

2010-02-28T01:04:00.002+11:00

I don't know and I can't tell where this is going to head towards... the string of thoughts in my head is daunting and I sure am not enjoying the emotions that follow.

so different

2010-02-19T23:23:00.003+11:00

...i really wonder y is it so easy this time to fall so deep into her and i so relentlessly let my guards down. i really wonder y

time

2010-02-19T04:46:00.002+11:00

it's so easy to forget at times, to get drifted into the daily. it is during moments like that i feel as if i'm being left behind, missing my ride. i must admit that i miss the whole rush and excitement of the whole rat chase but yet at times like this i remind myself the reason why i am back in melbourne.

...it's just that it's tuff at times.

country bumpkin

2010-02-16T02:40:00.001+11:00

...i just kept thinking of her and i'm thinking right now, isn't this too soon, how can it be that i miss her already?

2010-02-13T19:46:00.003+11:00

bummer....
i know it's the right thing to do but still it makes me feel shit.

guess the right thing isn't always a feel good thing huh?

E.R.

2010-02-07T00:51:00.002+11:00

...a surprise trip down to tralagon soon for some home baked cookies and some really old school romance?

Should I?

A Matter of Self Dignity

2010-01-23T02:28:00.003+11:00

I am going to leave architecture and, the building and construction industry for good. It has come to a point where I am ashame of my profession. It is undeniable that the field of architecture is headed towards self-destruction and is highly hyprocritical.

I am also leaving because I am ashamed at myself for not having thought through architecture in the depth which I should have before I decided pursue architecure and still not doing so out of ignorance, during my 5 years of study.

I have had enough. I maybe a bloody good architect; one of the so called guns in uni and am highly sought after at the workplace but no matter how I try to reason, I cannot find any rational reason except for the sake of an inflated ego, to justify to continue on working as an architect.

Hence I am walking...

another

2010-01-13T23:54:00.005+11:00

sigh, was about to post a rant on something shitty but then realised that it'll be the first post for 2010. not the way i want to start the year. anyhow i'll do a wish list for 2010 instead. here goes:

1. on the top of the list would be my PR
2. so, i can fucking quit uni ( a bloody waste of time and fucking chicks are too young for me now, or rather i've grown too old)
3. and switch offices, if i get my pr, i can then work fulltime (my current boss is a gem of a person, nicest bloke ever! i doubt i could ever find enough words to describe how awesome he is; trouble is, factories ain't my thing, i miss doing highrise residentials, gosh thinking of them makes me nostalgic)
4. join a developer as a first move away from archi (archi as a profession is just plain bullcrap, shit pay, shit job, shit everything i kid you not)
5. get a proper car (i managed to get myself an 20 year old german which is brilliant, even by today's standards, all i can say is that they know how to make cars. bad thing is unlike whiskey, aging isn't something which car takes well to)
5.5. dammit, as much as i like or thought i like bmw's; i miss the feel of a merc and possibly get a benz again.
6. easy one, i'm upgrading from johnnie to glenfiddich (sweet tasting single malt, this is one which you never have with coke)
7. .....

know what? screw all the above, i'll start with God.

there ya go, 2010.

random

2009-12-28T01:43:00.004+11:00

fade away...
i won't ask for you to stay,
walk on...
don't ever look back,
take none and leave,
for i've too little to give.

i don't think so

2009-12-10T00:44:00.001+11:00

...why must I keep asking for more? or perhaps, that bit of my life had never really been sorted since then.

Johnnie?

2009-11-07T00:06:00.002+11:00

It's funny how the smallest choices can have such a major impact on one's life. It's like being completely thrown off course and it sure is hard to get back on track. There are many things which I wish for but at this very moment, I wish I hadn't held back and just went for her. Things would have possibly been very different now I can imagine. It was so long ago and I should be grateful even to being able to be back here in Melbourne. Old habits die hard they say; just that my memory dies harder.

Anyhow, I'm going to reapply for my permanent residency onshore, there goes my car fund, freaking 3 massive grand of it. The bloody Commonwealth better grant me my residency in due time as wealth like it or not, ain't that bloody common.

Old habits die hard indeed, my old friend Mr. Walker couldn't agree more. He's green today.

Full circle

2009-10-12T01:52:00.003+11:00

I was just reflecting on the bits and pieces of my life since I've gotten back to Melbourne a few months ago and I must say, it was the best ever move. I thank God for every single day that I get to spend here. Somehow, things have been moving along pretty quickly. Started uni, got a part time job soon after, thankful for the old crew still being there, made new friends, joined a cell group and made church friends, found interest in a girl, got really interested in another girl, found out she's taken, started to hate uni, wanting to get back to full time work, getting bored working on industrial building, missing working on high rise residentials, saving for a car, getting really tempted by the suburbs, friend copped out and withdrew from uni, would do the same the moment i get my pr, decided i would like to be with someone of my age, keep reminding myself to take it slow, let things come at their own time and... I suppose that's where I am at the moment.

I'm looking forward to the semester break for a little bit of space to catch my breath, have some time to think about life and how to make the most out of it.

on the lil one

2009-10-10T05:32:00.000+11:00

All bets are off.

...sigh

2009-10-02T19:05:00.002+10:00

lets not history repeat,
I need to let go,
keep standing still,
and let time decide.

overcast...

2009-10-02T01:38:00.004+10:00

why should i doubt,
is she's even going to be?
i wonder even if i should,
what if,
...she just isn't for me?

..is she there?

2009-09-30T00:13:00.003+10:00

I am actually missing her at the moment,
and, I can't help but to keep thinking of her,
wondering... if she's thinking of me too,
but I can't let her know... not just yet.

lil one

2009-09-22T23:56:00.003+10:00

let her decide soon,
my yearning heart awaits,
end to my wandering,
not leave me pondering.

Cardigone

2009-09-12T00:06:00.002+10:00

Curveballs. Life just gotta throw you curveballs. Something's really wrong with me as in there has been a prolonged pain near where my kidneys are. The doctor reckons it's just a pulled muscle but I doubt it. I'll be booking in an ultrasonic scan on Monday to check if everything's fine. Seriously, I'm worried shit but I'll just try to keep as positive as possible.

The other thing's that been bothering me is Ms cardigan girl. Had a bit of time to talk with her a lil more today and honestly, I couldn't see even the slightest hint of interest. I'll most probably will write off the possibility of courting her. It's not about being able to effortlessly be in a relationship, unless I'm willing to put up with a less than ideal one but I'm just the sort that if I can't see any hint of potential success I won't wanna invest my time, effort and feelings into her.

The other girl, who's taken, I could definitely see myself being with her but well, guess that's why she's already taken.

Good guys finish last boys, as good girls will never stay single for too long!

...Hello!!

2009-09-09T21:58:00.002+10:00

and her name is A... :) i was nervous and it has really been a while since i've ever felt nervous talking to a girl. LOL, there goes the charming bit of me, sigh, but yea, butterflies in the stomach indeed!

...i seriously got to start going to class early as she'll usually hang out with the few boys after classes. A girl and a guy - easy to handle, a girl with 2 guys - not so easy.

spring i'm 'fraid not

2009-09-02T02:38:00.004+10:00

I'm proper frustrated. Why does it have to be that the girls that I am actually attracted to will always happen to be in a relatiopnship? and it's always the case where I would only find out after I have fallen for her??

What a waste of bloody time, effort and hope!

ROI

2009-08-28T12:20:00.002+10:00

hmmm, think the older i get the more skeptic i become. I really can't be fussed putting in a whole lot of effort some something which has no substantial or gurantee of success. Think I'll write off cardigan girl; too much effort would be required. Moving on.

spring forward

2009-08-24T02:43:00.002+10:00

It has certainly been awhile since anyone has caught my attention as much as she has; turqoise cardigan girl. As much as I want to, I hadn't really had any real oportunity yet to get to know her let alone know her name, though it means that I've been working my way through her friends. I surely hope I can get to her in time before the end of the semester. I sure wouldn't want miss out on this one. :) moving along.....

taxi driver's special license

2009-08-07T20:20:00.003+10:00

Sometimes we get good days and at others we get bad days. Today wasn't one of the better ones, no major mishaps but enough of little incidents which qualify the day as a shitty one. Many years ago, a taxi driver once told me and a friend "without the bads, there won't be any good ones. I am happy to have a bad one today so I can have my good one tomorrow". I'll pray for a good one tomorrow.

just like an old ex

2009-07-22T18:28:00.001+10:00

I thank God for this the opportunity to be back in Melbourne. It surely seems surreal as in a sense feeling half familiar half foreign. Things here have definitely changed a bit in the last year and half while I was away. It sure seems like this is indeed a new chapter in an old, if not, familiar book.

I will have to take it one step at a time as this time around, I sure would want to get things done right.

planes, the ocean, baileys, winter and ...

2009-07-02T05:26:00.002+10:00

Perhaps it is my thoughts going on overdrive induced by suppressed anxiety as I just realised that I terribly miss relationships which provide significant conversational depth. It has been quite a while now since I have met any women who are able to engage in deep discourse or even steer a discussion towards that. No doubt, I find such engagement profoundly attractive.

admission

2009-07-01T04:51:00.002+10:00

With just a week to go before I return to Melbourne as a full time student, I cannot deny that I am feeling bouts of insecurity at the moment.

indication of disease

2009-06-30T19:03:00.004+10:00

A trip to the local bank this afternoon run predominantly by the locals of a certain privileged ethnicity served a disconcerting reminder that I absolutely must obtain a citizenship of a civilised nation and leave this malaise nation for good.

wedding website?

2009-06-12T08:09:00.005+10:00

A moment ago we were having conversations over baileys in the deep of winter on my kitchen benchtop and now she's halfway round the globe planning for her upcoming wedding.

Time sure goes by quickly, but hey... she sure still puts a smile on my face like always.

getting lost to find myself?

2009-06-04T02:49:00.003+10:00

To be completely honest I am feeling rather unsure at the present moment. Going back to Australia is certainly what I wanted but to embark on a 3 year Master degree is still a rather big step for me to take. I could imagine that many would kill for the chance to return to uni but for me it means having to start all over again and I couldn’t help but to feel a little left out in my career. By the time I’m done with the degree, I’ll be 5 years behind my peers. It probably won’t bother me as much then as it is right now because I know that I can only do so much at the present. I can’t help but to feel tormented as it seems that for every step forward I take, I will inevitably have to take almost a full step back. The past 1 half years have been such a mess. I pray real hard things will be a little bit clearer once I get back to Melbourne.

stormy waters ahead

2009-04-15T02:12:00.005+10:00

I suppose this wouldn't be the first time my dad isn't too happy about the decisions I make or have made.

2005 - Resigning from Hijjas Kasturi Associates.
2007 - Dropping out from the Master of Architecture, back to Bachelor of Architecture.
2008 - Applying for an Australian PR.
2009 - Resigning from MKPL and return to Melbs for further studies.

Honestly it is disheartening for me to go against his wishes but at the same time, I've always did and I suppose I still will. I stand firm on my decisions as I have concrete reasons for making them. Though, I just wish he is a little more understanding as I do get upset for grieving him.

Then again, this is what happened on the 3 earlier occasions:

2005 - Got into GDP which turned out to be most beneficial for my education and my career. This is where all the high flying career bit started.

2007 - One massive argument over the phone and my final year in B. Arch turned out to be the most memorable of all, complete with a first class honours, second highest grade for design that year and a Bates Smart graduate nominee. Better yet, it preluded to me finding out what I was looking for.

2008 - Upon seeking my way home, I've been taught humility and truly learn to walk closer and to trust the Lord.

The outcome of my decission this year is still to be determined. All I can do at this point I suppose, is to give my very best.

And pray hard that God by his grace will take care of the rest.

God is great!

2009-04-09T03:45:00.001+10:00

"You would certainly be eligible to apply for the Post graduate diploma in Planning and design. This program allows you to focus in on a particular are of interest and develop deeper knowledge and skills.

There is a July intake for the Postgraduate Dip and The Master of Planning and Design. Entry requirements for the postgraduate Diploma in Planning and Design is a three year degree in one of the disciplines of the faculty. You meet this criteria given you have completes a 5 year sequence in Architecture. You would also meet the entry requirements for entry into the Master of Planning and Design.

You must provide a personal statement with your application that outlines why you want to undertake the program, your motivation, along with the completed and signed application form. We will be able to print of your student record so there is no need to provide transcripts."

- Soon now, soon. I'll be coming home.

the great escape

2009-04-06T01:49:00.003+10:00

“Clause 4. The working hours of the Company are currently 8.30 a.m. to 5.30 p.m. from Mondays to Fridays. Lunch break is between 12.45 p.m. to 1.45 p.m.”

But, documented on my transport claims, I’ve been working past 10 pm for 4 out of 5 working days for the past 2 months and at times all the way until the early hours of the morning. Almost every other weekend I am told and expected to go back to work which is precisely what I did a fortnight ago and yesterday.

Today, on a Sunday, I was called up by the boss asking for my work, in which I replied I will be working from home, on a Sunday. I am told to have it done by the next day. A few hours later, I receive a text from him informing me that he wants a meeting on that certain project at 9 a.m. It is implied that my work should be done by then.

That was when my line in the sand.

I have sent an enquire to the Immigration Department of Australia to ask if there will be any implications to my Permanent Residency Application if I were to apply for a Student Visa, as I have decided to return to Melbourne for graduate studies.

I’m thoroughly done with working in Asia. By God’s will, my application for the program will be a breeze.

real pissed off!

2009-03-20T23:46:00.002+11:00

I hate fucking Asia!
I hate it when I am told that I have to go back to work on a SATURDAY at 10am.
I hate the work ethics here.
Fucking SLAVE nation!
Fucking CONCENTRATION CAMP!
When I leave, I'm NEVER coming back.

Except for a 2 weeks break to REMIND myself why I left!

Happiness

2009-03-16T01:09:00.002+11:00

Finally the dust has settled and I could make good sense of things. Work in Asia is unbelievably unethical. Everything is to the employers’ benefit here. Long overtime hours are not renumerated. Well, except for a claimable taxi ride home and a meal after 3 hours and beyond of extra work. In any more civilised parts of the world, this is pure exploitation. Then again, this is Asia.

Somehow the people here are willing to work such insane hours to climb the corporate ladder and earn more money. The value system in society here is unbelievably biased towards measuring success on one’s wealth. In pursuing their career, most people here choose to blatantly ignore other bits of life that matters. There are plenty here who are indeed wealthy but sadly, terribly empty.

I want to life meaningfully. Hence at the most I will stay in this region for 2 years, hopefully less. Already, my love for what I do had been drained off by sheer overworking. Two years, come then I’ll find my way back to Australian soil. If my pr still isn’t resolved, maybe I’ll go back to school for commerce. After all, the choice was between commerce and architecture for me back then. Maybe I’ve chosen wrong or maybe I have not, only God knows.

Well, at least now I have a plan. It’s clear now to me on what I want and what my life to be about. Even clearer is that I know what I do not want and what I do not want my life to be.

I want to live meaningfully. I did so in Australia and knowing that by itself, is happiness.

sentenced

2009-02-10T01:26:00.003+11:00

I guess it's never too late to admit that I was wrong and I suppose that either way I will have to suffer the consequences of making the wrong choice.

In a way I'm glad I've found closure of some sort with this matter or rather I believe I have finally bit the bullet. The road back to home will be long and tough but I reckon it'll just make it all the more worthwhile.

Either way I have to do my time. 2 years of crazy asian labour and hopefully I get my pr so I can ship my arse back to 'stralia.

Back home.

cousins, perth

2009-01-22T04:12:00.004+11:00

It makes perfect sense now as everything slowly unfolds like a tied up script of some twisted plot and the string of events finally begin to make sense.

I know deeply now that there was no doubt I made a mistake leaving Melbourne and I know even more so that I have to absolutely get back to Australia no matter what. Its a destination fated. All I need is to keep a clear head and a reminder once in a while.

2 years max. Happiness can indeed be placed. Till then, I shall give it my best at life at hand.

gum trees

2009-01-18T00:49:00.002+11:00

I've just got this feeling that I'm still gonna ship my arse back to aus 3 years from now. We'll see.

tick tock tick tock

2009-01-14T04:56:00.004+11:00

I suppose all that I can do is to be patient and keep waiting as much as I dislike doing so. A browse through the ministry of manpower's faq revealed that it'll take at least 3 weeks for an appeal to be processed. I seriously hope the person who rejected it without properly assesing my application in the first place is pleased, because I am not. Anyhow, there's nothing I can do except to wait yea?

Lets see if I can chew down a couple of books till then.

don't look back in anger

2009-01-10T06:28:00.009+11:00

I’ve contemplated quite a few times if I should continue posting. This is a rant blog leaning more towards the melancholic and angry outbreaks, and I suppose after all these years, I am starting to get a little tired of complaining.

Nevertheless at the same time, this blog had recorded the up and mostly downs of my life for the past few years and thus provides me a good point of reference on where I stand today. I’ll post to that, perhaps with a little less angst.

Here’s to kick off 2009; a wish list drawn while I was and still am waiting anxiously for the results of my employment permit appeal.

1. First thing’s first. Pray hard, pray really hard that my employment permit gets approved. I’m way over this whole break from work thingy already. This is the longest ever break I’ve ever taken for the past 5 years and I guess I hate standing still for too long. Time waits for no man.

Provided my permit gets approved and I am allowed to work in Singapore, the materialistic stuff, some which has been postponed for years now:

2. A 2 bedroom HDB (social housing) unit. I’ve already got a potential flatmate. Fingers crossed that we’ll still be able to find a decently priced one when I get my permit. Unfurnished preferred. I like my place tidy, white and minimal with just a hint of warmth hence the last thing I want is to have a mismatched techicolor interior. Anyways, it’s always cheaper to rent unfurnish and head over to IKEA instead.

3. A new wallet. Rather disappointed that Kenneth Cole pulled out of this region. Wouldn’t mind another since the current one is still holding onto my cash, cards and movie stubs since 2003 although it’s getting a little worn out. Most likely get a Braun Buffel this time. A Mont Blanc is a tad of an overspending right now.

4. The Nokia 6300 which is now a bargain since its price has came a long way down. I like it’s no nonsense design and retro styling cues of the late 70’s calculators, being decked in oh so sexy stainless steel. It sure is high time to replace the Motorola which user interface is as hopeless as it is annoying.

5. Either an Arcam or a Cambridge Audio high fidelity sound system. I’m an audio purist and I want Harry Belafonte performing live in my living room right after Missy Higgins. I probably will put off getting them until I get a proper place with a living room large enough. Vinyl still sounds better but with all the hassle, I’ll stick with old faithful cd.

6. My Christmas gift to self; a nice BMW 320i from the nineties. One heck of car back then, still one heck of a car today. At slightly less than S$30 grand with a brand new 10-year COE, I don’t think I need any other reasons. Never did come across any German chap I actually am fond of as those I’ve met a bloody arseholes but they sure know how to make really good cars.

Yeap, I think that kind of does it for 2009 for the materialistic bit of course. The are still plenty in life that I want which can never be quantified in worldly values and to start that off, I’m going to start with the Lord.

May God bless all of you, Amen.

two thousand fucking eight

2008-12-17T22:58:00.000+11:00

It gets increasingly hard to pen my thoughts, mainly because it is seriously getting all too messed up in my head. I am seriously losing objectivity in my thoughts.

In this last couple of week of 2008, I would like to officially put on record that this is one bloody fucked up year for me. In just one year, all that I have worked very hard for the past 2 years have been undone. I am back on my knees and I swore to myself I will never let this happen again, yet it did.

Financially, I got fucked. 2/3 of my life savings got taken away by the falling equity market. I wish to take this chance to thank all you reckless bankers out there. I paid a premium for my Australian PR application which till date have not been approved, or even looked at. And to top it off, 5 months of effective unemployment emptied the rest of my bank accounts. The failure of my freelance work because clients could not afford financing did not help either.
Career was the reason I left Melbourne for despite the fact that I was actually happy living there. I take full responsibility for my action and only my greed was to be blamed. The job in Malaysia went as planned, got promoted rather quickly too and for a moment there, it all seemed well. Not for long because I soon felt there was more to it, I could no longer ignore what was missing. I need more than just a job.

I’ve always like to think of myself as a drifter but for a moment I knew I’ve found a place to actually call home. That moment was in April, when I returned to Melbourne to graduate. I supposed it’s true that gum trees do make all the difference. Forget the job, never mind if it’s going to take a while for me to catch up on my career. It is home, as long as I am able to pay the rent and read my papers while I sip my coffee, nothing else really mattered all that much.

And hence the urgency to apply for an Australian PR, which by no means was cheap. At that moment it seemed all worth it. Nothing else seemed to matter as I was all set to return to Melbourne as soon as I could. I was indeed so sure of the decision that I even quit my job in July. I figured I could do without the stress and take a good break in anticipation of my PR. It used to take half a year to be approved but alas, until today, there have been no news on my application.

Even if I did manage to get back to Melbourne, things can only be described as bleak. Unemployment is at an all time high. More than a couple of people I know got cut loose. Retrenchment is very real and I can’t afford to finance unemployment much longer, not when my savings went the way of the stock market. All time low.

So as reluctant as I was I had to rely on the fallback. Singapore. I have always had a love hate relationship with that place. It has too much of the past and yet there is still space for the future. With calls made, resume update and extra portfolio prints added, I headed south and got the job. Got a good pay, no negotiations needed. Contract was signed and although I would be lying to say that I wasn’t sore about Melbourne, I was contented with Singapore.

But like everything else, that was short lived. The Singaporean government rejected my employment permit. So here I am, stuck in a screwed up country laden with racist corrupted government. Here I am, at a lost because I ran out of options. And here I am because I was born in the wrong country with the wrong skin colour.

Prison it is. It sure feels so. What difference would it have made?

Santa go fuck yourself!

2008-12-16T01:57:00.001+11:00

Already as it is, my plans to return to Australia got canned as I have still have not receive any word on my pr application and employment is a bit of an issue in light of the current slump. So alright, never mind that, doesn’t matter if even if it does. Singapore’s next on the list.

Interview went well, not the best but good enough for me to actually bargain down my pay, first time he ever came across such a situation according to the director. That was that, contract signed. Ex Singaporean housemate’s girl even hooked up a potential flatmate.

But wait, just a few hours ago, I just got news from the office that my work permit application got rejected.

Seriously, what the fuck?! This has never happened before.

Upset is a real understatement to describe how I feel at the moment.

Merry fucking Christmas indeed. So seriously, what the fuck?!

Disturbed, ever

2008-11-29T06:07:00.002+11:00

Seems like shits just happen, no matter how much I try to avoid them. Shits just happen, even more so when you try hard to be correct. I left the live I had many years ago for one single reason and that is nothing more than to do the right thing, simply put, I wanted to be correct. I suppose it is hardest when one tries hard to thread the right path, no wonder they say nice guys finish last, and they aren’t just talking about getting the girls.

I carry a burden with me every single step I take. The burden is nothing more or less than knowing more than I should. I just wish I could care less at times, know less and possible plan less, thus less the expectation hence less the disappointment.

I’m growing wary of life. It may sound like I’m a little too young to be credible enough to say so but hey, I’ve seriously had enough of all the nonsense that comes with it. I’m honestly tired.

All I want is to be able to get a peaceful night’s sleep, a clear mind the next morning and that ever longed feeling of satisfaction knowing I did good by evening.

Is that really too much to ask for?

I’m humbled…

2008-11-22T17:34:00.004+11:00

Just about a year ago, as nostalgic as it seems my life was close to being complete. Never mind that I’ve wasted 5 years of my prime picking up the bits and pieces as I should be grateful and contented for the little bit at the end of my uni days. I was indeed. Back on my 2 feet at top of my game after years of planning and planting bore fruit.

Achievements which only years earlier thought to be a distant dream were all given a healthy tick as I planned even further ahead. If one were to ask me the much overused “where do you see yourself in 5 years”, I’ll gladly give you the details rivalling a business plan.

Like clockwork at the final 2 years I went from bottom failure grade student to top scores, dean’s list and a first class honours even with a chunky margin after a subject screwed up bad, and that’s only the academics. I had jobs in top firm in Asia all lined up after working hard during each uni break. So much so that all I had was to ring my pick and say hello, no interview required. My battered confidence made a slow but steady comeback, which sure helped on the humour bit. It all added up to one comfortable complete sum.

On the very last day, just before my definitive flight back to Malaysia, I might have even found someone whom I am willing to give this one a go at a relationship but alas, my plans I'm not willing to change, not when they are already too well executed and so I left.

I left with a heavy heart, dragging all the way along the pavement to the airport. I remember very well saying that.

Fast forward a year and here I am, here inMalaysia, here in a mess. I’ve since quit my high flying high paying high end job in July in expectation of my pr. I did manage to finish an independent project with my own partnership but soon the finance world got messed up and we lost 2 projects since then. So now I’ve got essentially no income. Two thirds of my life savings got screwed by the poisoned Wall Street bull.

My pr application for Aus looks as if it’s going to take forever seeing how the country has gone into recession, I insist though most would say it has not. Even if I get my pr, the prospect of a job seems bleak over there especially when friends already getting laid off. My health isn't any better having taken a toll from all these years pushing myself working late nights.

So here I am, hanging on a little glimpse of hope that all of this will just blow by like a little cold. The thought of starting all over again is simply unbearable.

It scares me as much as it disappoints me how everything has unfolded this year. I’m almost back on my knees, maybe not as bad as 5 years ago, but close. Very close indeed. Too close for comfort as the telltale signs of my daily nightmares have made a regular comeback.

bull in shit

2008-11-21T23:12:00.002+11:00

Painful is when one loses two thirds of his life savings in less than a year.

Fucken hell and I wasn't even gambling!

Painful it sure is.

on the run

2008-11-20T22:13:00.003+11:00

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.
___

Time, by Pink Floyd. Reflect.

Lost & Found

2008-10-08T05:24:00.001+11:00

When my dog went missing, I lost more than just a part of my life. When it was finally found, I discover more than what I ever sought to know.

I’m reminded that I am fragile. I seek comfort in turbulent times like these, when nothing is going as planned, where for the last 3 years I knew exactly where I’m headed and which direction I should take.

I crave for certainty and this life has very little of it. I need something to hold on to, God is one while there rest is to be revealed in time I suppose.

Right now, I desperately need to find myself.

it hurts bad

2008-10-03T11:37:00.001+10:00

nothing good happens in malaysia. i can find no joy here. i need to leave.

fuck hari raya

2008-10-03T01:23:00.004+10:00

My dog is missing. I'm upset. I want to go away and leave it all behind.
Dammit, why did it have to go?!

Nostalgia

2008-09-27T06:34:00.003+10:00

"...in Greek literally means the pain from an old wound" - Don Drapper

burden

2008-09-13T01:50:00.002+10:00

It feels as if the walls are crumbing on you. You smile but deep inside you're screaming, wanting to get out. Worse of all, you crawl out of the world you built so hard over the years thinking it'll make you happy.

big bad bear

2008-09-10T12:47:00.001+10:00

dow's giving me the nightmares.

enough is enough

2008-08-26T20:22:00.002+10:00

The two things which really annoy the hell out of me are:

- The inability to understand the word “no”

- The persistence that follows that inability.

As they are both blatantly ignorant and arrogant.

Hate Malaysia

2008-08-20T03:29:00.002+10:00

Clearly the country has gone to the dogs, very clearly.
I need to get out, damn pr is taking way too long for my liking...
Please hurry! HELP!

singapura

2008-08-10T02:21:00.002+10:00

i had the faintest feeling that i might end up in this country at the end of the day, I just might, though at this very moment, I am still not quite ready for it yet.

Somehow, I still feel sadness when I walk down Orchard today though it has been many years. Perhaps with time all these would finally fade away but till that day comes, this land would always be the place of it-could-have-and-should-have-been's.

Nostalgia murdered the present.

23 07 08

2008-07-24T03:32:00.003+10:00

and the moment came
and i left

i looked back
and i felt sad
and i will remember
and i drove off

and that was it, the very first step to a new start

:)

who's that.. wait, ahh fuck!

2008-07-19T05:55:00.004+10:00

....arghhhhh sigh. Why in the world was she in that bloody sticker photo of the class in 2001 S showed me the other night? ...the stuff that got stirred up in my head is gonna take a few months to settle now!

It's all supposed to have been put to rest. Buried. There will always be times like this I suppose, better not be too many in this lifetime.

it's about.........

2008-06-30T23:54:00.002+10:00

a second chance
learn how to draw a line all over again!

and i wanna make it really good this time

a second chance at life
a second chance at work
a second chance at love
a second chance at me....

to start afresh
to be ...me

...spring, soon

2008-06-24T03:33:00.001+10:00

...just in time hopefully.

I did it!

2008-06-21T00:12:00.002+10:00

"...hi boss, can i have a minute with you please? This is gonna be hard... I'm intending to return to Australia......"

I did it. I quit.

:)

2008-06-18T02:34:00.005+10:00

...and the thought of returning to Melbourne is close to being the only thing that keeps me going through the days here. Counting down to my return reaffirms the fact that I'll be leaving this dreadful place and I will be back home in just a few more many months.

A very comforting thought, each and everytime.

fools! third world fools!

2008-05-28T01:42:00.000+10:00

Bloody scoundrels! Time and time again I am reminded of how things are in this bloody third world country. Time and time again it is the bloody people; unethical, lazy and greedy to begin with. The bloody same chap who rallies behind the opposition for the change in better government in which is transparent and fair is the same bloody bastard who decides to raise rent and back charges you. Bloody rich kids whom parents are so and so acting as if they are the so called status quo and do not give a damn on anything and everything. It is all in the looks which absolutely no sense of pride in their work.……

Dammit! If I were to on and along the way rupture a few capillaries, so oh fuck it!

I’m getting out of here as decided and probably will never look back at where I left for there is nothing left. In all sadness, I’ve grown to despise this country and its people so much in such a short period of time.

one day less

2008-05-02T03:44:00.003+10:00

I am truly counting down the days. Honestly, I have had enough. Never have I felt so compelled to leave. So much so that this time, it might just be permanent. No more looking back because seriously, there's nothing left here.

never never land part 1

2008-04-20T02:33:00.003+10:00

Thursday 10 april 2008

Gum trees, they make all the difference. I felt all nervous because I did not know how to feel at all. Like a little kid, I looked out the window at the gum trees which dotted the landscape while the taxi made it's way down to the city.

The morning sunlight was spectecular, something which I have always had a liking for. I watched as it paints the median strip along Flemmington Road with the occasional shadows of cyclists giving animation.

As I walked along that bluestone pavement in front of the law building, I can't help but to try to recall what had happened the day before, the months before because it felt like I never did left, it was like I was there just yesterday. I can't recall not being there the day before.

EL's place was just like it was, except for an addition of a red couch. Somehow it felt more familiar than the one I grew up in. I just knew where everything was, including myself.

"I don't know girl, this is just tough. I don't know. I don't know how to decide."
"Well, where do you see yourself raising your kids...?"

They did not believe I just flew in from work, it was like somehow or rather they refuse to believe that I actually chose to leave and was gone for the many months. Somehow, they knew better then I did.

I feel asleep during the graduation speeches.

Friday 11 April 2008

Fed Square looks much older than when I first saw it. I still think it's ugly.

And it feels surreal, like how the lifts at CH2 are already moving and the baristas at Lincontro are caucasian again? Full cirle, they were caucasians when I first came, and then they were Asians until I left. As I sipped my latte, I savoured every moment I could and for the first time, things became a little bit clearer. Slowly as I people watch, I saw more than just the street, I saw life and the moments I want to keep. Moments such as this.

I reached for the 2 hour ticket in my pocket but I never did take it out as it did not seem right because there it was, the city I miss so dearly. I just had to walk on. I wanted to.

Readings never did change a bit, that's the charm of the old place. It's like time stood still and I could just stand there and browse all the books that I want to.

As I made my way through Lygon, the day turns dark, and slowly I knew what I wanted, like what EL said the day before that in time, the decission will come by itself.

"Hey J! you know what???"
"Yea what??? You told me yesterday you had so much to tell me!"
"I've decided. I'm gonna let it all go."
"Gasp! really? Even your..."
"Even my five towers. It doesn't matter anymore. If it the price I have to pay, then let it be."
"I don't believe this??? You've changed!!!!!!! Is it really you? You would never had given up your five towers! I don't believe I'm hearing this!"

Neither did I, neither did I. Little did I realise, we were actually at the same place, Cicalata, when she placed her head on the table and looked at me in those puppy eyes. So much had happened since.

"Lets celebrate, we'll wake up early, I'll come get you and we'll go to the beach for breakfast! I still can't believe you are doing this! .....too bad I'll be in the States by then. But I'm still happy for you!"

homeward bound

2008-04-08T23:12:00.002+10:00

...it's the kind of warm and fuzzy feeling one get cuddling a lover knowing she's gone the next day.

why?

2008-04-01T00:46:00.000+11:00

Uncertainty has never been as prominent ever since 5 years ago, when my life is in a complete mess. In 5 years, I picked up every bit and piece and slowly rebuilt my world, every single bit of it, divine intervention included of course. Yet today, it is as if all that was just left behind in Melbourne and all that is here now is another big pile of goodness knows what. I have no idea where to start with and likewise I’m tired of it all.

There are just too many questions which I can’t answer.
Just… too much of the unknown.

matters matter

2008-03-19T01:49:00.000+11:00

It is very easy to forget what matters most when all one does is to perpetuate between work and compensating for overworking. Little moments which matters get forsaken, forgotten or worse still, ignored. I have a million and one thoughts held back simply because I do not have the time to think, to look and to answer. And so I question, what is it all about now?

lost fuel cap

2008-03-17T04:39:00.002+11:00

fucking hell! 15 fucking minutes, left my fucking fuel cap on the pump and it's gone, 15 fucking minutes was all it took for me to get back there.

whichever bastard took it, fucking hell, hope u fucking turn tuttle and lose a limb.

fucking hell, more than 10 years driving and i can fucking leave the station with an uncapped tank.

job is killing me. this country killing me.

j is engaged.

maybe

2008-03-02T05:58:00.003+11:00

It disturbs me as a matter of fact it scares me so much, this feeling of uneasiness. It has the same uneasiness of a choice made not whole heartedly. The very choice made so assertively just months back. It troubles me because it was a choice which played out almost perfect, every single minute bit fell into place, and execution was in lack of better words, almost to perfection. Everything was as planned. But here I am, wondering if I should have chosen otherwise. I probably found love the day before I left, I found life before that but I chose career and love came 2 weeks too late for I’ve already decided. Maybe I should not have chosen but really just choose instead?

and another conversation

2008-02-16T06:56:00.001+11:00

A says:
why 5 yrs jo

A says:
thats when you just settle in here carrier wise

The Unknown says:
beacuse any sooner and there will be too mcuh what ifs

The Unknown says:
and joe

The Unknown says:
that 5 years

The Unknown says:
the decission to move back to aus is also the decission that i've had it with the whole career thing

The Unknown says:
you know me

The Unknown says:
as in, if i were to move back to aus

The Unknown says:
it's a decission that money and career isn't gonna make me happy

The Unknown says:
i'm fucking it big time

The Unknown says:
if i move back to melb, it'll be a small firm

A says:
if i were you i'd do it sooner than 5 yrs i i am

The Unknown says:
and i'll take life slow

A says:
if i am

The Unknown says:
i can't help it

The Unknown says:
i need to know for sure i won;'t be happy here

The Unknown says:
that's y 5

The Unknown says:
that's when my career will at least reach a reasonable stage

A says:
right

The Unknown says:
where hopefully i'll be successful

The Unknown says:
then i can decided

The Unknown says:
if that is really what i want

The Unknown says:
getting old etc

The Unknown says:
i don't feel that's relavent anymore

The Unknown says:
it;s way past for me

The Unknown says:
frankly

A says:
what is?

The Unknown says:
way past

The Unknown says:
youth

The Unknown says:
or doing things at this age

A says:
jo its clearly over

The Unknown says:
to me i've written it off already

The Unknown says:
yea wei

The Unknown says:
so it doesn't matter

A says:
25 max cut off

The Unknown says:
age doesn't matter

The Unknown says:
so i'm gonna go get the career

The Unknown says:
and then once there

The Unknown says:
i can decided if it is gonna make me happy

The Unknown says:
if i decide no

The Unknown says:
then it's melb

The Unknown says:
and fuck all

The Unknown says:
as in, forget the money

The Unknown says:
forget the status

The Unknown says:
just me, the morning papers and a good glass of latte

A says:
aiyo

The Unknown says:
least i know i've been there and i didn't find it as important as i thought it was

The Unknown says:
that's for my own good sleep at night

The Unknown says:
i won't have to worry bout my parents, they have enough

The Unknown says:
so screw it

A says:
yala

The Unknown says:
the first class honours thing was a wake up call

The Unknown says:
i though uni, if i can ace it, it'll be happier

The Unknown says:
in fact

A says:
in wat way

The Unknown says:
everything worked out

The Unknown says:
aced uni

The Unknown says:
that paved the way for a good paying job

The Unknown says:
oportunities

A says:
nah jo thats gone with the youth

The Unknown says:
actually no

The Unknown says:
it;s a relief

The Unknown says:
but it sure wasn't happiness

The Unknown says:
no fella, no fellos, no shits

The Unknown says:
i'm getting very very worried here

The Unknown says:
i don't wanna die an unhappy bugger

The Unknown says:
filthy rich but unhappy

A says:
jo no point worrying bro

The Unknown says:
richard cory

The Unknown says:
i don't wanna be a richard cory

A says:
nah dont think in those terms

The Unknown says:
you know richard cory?

A says:
no bro who the fuck's he

The Unknown says:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/richard+cory_20124655.html

The Unknown says:
read

The Unknown says:
i seriously don't wanna be richard cory though i could see it could easily end up so, countinuing this path i've chosen jo

A says:
huh

A says:
aiyo

The Unknown says:
"oh, he surely must be happy with everything he's got" ... 'richard cory went home last night and put a bullet rhru his head"

The Unknown says:
so if i were to chose

The Unknown says:
as in

The Unknown says:
in 5 yers time

The Unknown says:
and i know that money and career is not waht i seek

The Unknown says:
then i'm leaving for aus

The Unknown says:
and seek none of them

The Unknown says:
and just live like a normal bugger

The Unknown says:
quiet

A says:
jo there always has to be a balance

The Unknown says:
lonely but try my best to see the little things in life

The Unknown says:
the walks in the park

The Unknown says:
those sorts

The Unknown says:
that said

The Unknown says:
i thought i spoke to u about this

A says:
just doe or just fello or just friends or just career wont do any good

The Unknown says:
in 5 yers if i can choose

The Unknown says:
means that i would ahve made it pretty good career wise

The Unknown says:
meaning i would ahve an amount of doe

A says:
ya

The Unknown says:
that goes into the asset collumn

The Unknown says:
and that would contribute to my income in aus

The Unknown says:
actaullly

The Unknown says:
it's kinda like a very very early retirement

The Unknown says:
sorta

A says:
aiyo

The Unknown says:
from a high flying career into a slower one

The Unknown says:
seriously the money and career maybe isn't all too cut out for me

A says:
give up

A says:
hands up

The Unknown says:
more of like switch hands

The Unknown says:
coffee to milk

The Unknown says:
ciggies to chocolates

The Unknown says:
based on the fact

The Unknown says:
i know what it's like

A says:
what you mean the money/career aint cut out for you

The Unknown says:
becuse i've been there

A says:
what do you want jo

The Unknown says:
peace of mind

The Unknown says:
comfort bro

The Unknown says:
comfort

The Unknown says:
i wanna walk down the bloody street without a million things in my mind

The Unknown says:
without thinking eh, all the money i have but no fello

The Unknown says:
those sorts of shits

The Unknown says:
becaus serious

The Unknown says:
there's alot of shits money can buy

A says:
what makes you think you'll achieve that in aus as opposed to anywhere else

The Unknown says:
and power can get

The Unknown says:
but there's alot of shits both cant get u either

The Unknown says:
because i'm familiar witht he place

The Unknown says:
and i found peace there jsut before i came back

The Unknown says:
it's somewhere i am comfortable not being on top

A says:
so u mean u dont wnat to have the feeling of owning a clk but no house

A says:
?

The Unknown says:
if i had made the choice

The Unknown says:
it means that i dun give a damn about the clk anymore

The Unknown says:
i just want a decent place, basic but not fucked to live

The Unknown says:
and public transport's fine for the weekdays

A says:
jo in 5 yrs your views on melb wld've change

A says:
d

The Unknown says:
i'll get a 190 e

A says:
hell the whole damn place wouldve changed

The Unknown says:
the point is

The Unknown says:
i'm not too sure bout the doe and sucess thing

The Unknown says:
i am having serious doubts now

A says:
right

The Unknown says:
it could very well mean nothing

A says:
could well jo

The Unknown says:
the man selling u drinks and wantan mee at the roadsid is way happier bro

A says:
but its not like we hava choice here

The Unknown says:
nope

The Unknown says:
we don't

The Unknown says:
hence

The Unknown says:
the 5 years

A says:
its not like were choosing doe over frineds or fello

The Unknown says:
here, i'm chosing doe & career or life

The Unknown says:
i'm jsut not too sure right now if they both can't really exist together here

A says:
true but as much as you want to you cant be that wantan mee seller

The Unknown says:
hence the 5 yers is to find out

The Unknown says:
joe

The Unknown says:
i can't over here

The Unknown says:
but i just very could in aus

A says:
somesort

The Unknown says:
simply beacause there's no link

The Unknown says:
not here, here's there's already a preconception

A says:
i must say things seems like a dead end in kl

The Unknown says:
overthere none joe

The Unknown says:
career wise it's bright

A says:
you either have it or you dont

The Unknown says:
but that's about it

The Unknown says:
yea wei

The Unknown says:
so i wanna take the 5 years to truely evaluate

The Unknown says:
if say moneya ndc career comes in, will my life improve

The Unknown says:
and will those improvements if any will make me any happier

The Unknown says:
if i find out i gotten the 1 series

The Unknown says:
the mont kiara unit

The Unknown says:
and my own shits running (will ahev to be)

The Unknown says:
and i still am feeling dead

The Unknown says:
then it's calito's way "ok folks.... it's time to go"

The Unknown says:
it's the easy life in melb

The Unknown says:
because seriously

The Unknown says:
joe

The Unknown says:
mont kiara, 1 series, great flying career, and still feeling dead

The Unknown says:
something is terribly wrong wei

The Unknown says:
and i bet u

The Unknown says:
if i let all of that go then and go to aus

The Unknown says:
i won't bat an eye over those chaps with the clk

The Unknown says:
beause as much as i know it could possibly make them happy, it can't make me happy

The Unknown says:
think this all make sense doesn't it?

The Unknown says:
been thinking heaps wei

A says:
pretty deep jo

A says:
but you cant say just yet

The Unknown says:
hence the 5 years la

A says:
might just be the syndrome of the past overshadawing your life to such an extent

The Unknown says:
call it a decission made over a long process

The Unknown says:
could be

The Unknown says:
but the bottom line is

The Unknown says:
whatever it is that makes me happy

A says:
that even after achieving your 'dreams' your still clouded in shit

The Unknown says:
well

The Unknown says:
i can;t stand still and drown in it right?

The Unknown says:
if things are fucked, then move on, next best solution then

The Unknown says:
i ain't B man

A says:
huh

The Unknown says:
drown in it

The Unknown says:
then fool myself into believing i'm better than the creatures living below

The Unknown says:
fuck that

The Unknown says:
things are very very muddled here for me

The Unknown says:
and the only way for me to carry on is to make contingencies / plans

The Unknown says:
at least that sets a path for me to pace, knowing i can choose in the end

The Unknown says:
i'm gonna call it a night bro

The Unknown says:
where u at now in transit?

A says:
and better catch my plane

The Unknown says:
safe flight

The Unknown says:
catch u at the next transit point hah!

A says:
yala

A says:
whole life transit

A says:
could be in the bahamas and i wouldnt know

A says:
dubai

The Unknown says:
right

The Unknown says:
don;t forget the moet and chocolates for your fella

The Unknown says:
ciaos wei

A says:
aiyo ya i bettter

The Unknown says:
laters

A says:
sure thing get some rest

A says:
l8r bro

another conversation

2008-02-10T22:08:00.000+11:00

J says:
heya

J says:
did lots of things today

The Unknown says:
like??

J says:
went to the beach in the morning for a coffeee

The Unknown says:
ohhh coool

J says:
i bought a take away and then sat on the beach to drink it

The Unknown says:
u alone?

J says:
then i went to have a manicure

The Unknown says:
reallly?

J says:
yeah... went alone

The Unknown says:
hehheh u just got paid

The Unknown says:
that;'s so cool

The Unknown says:
i wanna do that too

J says:
then i did some grocery shopping

The Unknown says:
did u get any icecreams?

J says:
and after that came home and cooked a big meal

J says:
nope

The Unknown says:
oh no

The Unknown says:
but i think the big meal made up for it

The Unknown says:
hehe

The Unknown says:
how big of a meal did u cook?

J says:
did i tell you that i am saving money>?

The Unknown says:
umm hmm

The Unknown says:
for marriage?

The Unknown says:
right??

The Unknown says:
and little Js?

J says:
so usually, on sundays, i cook a big big meal and then freeze it so I can have it for lunch every day

The Unknown says:
what!!!!!

The Unknown says:
really???

J says:
yeah

J says:
last week i made 1.5kg of pad thai

J says:
this week i made the same amount but of risotto

J says:
the week before was potato salad

J says:
hahaha.. i know i'm boring

J says:
eat the same thing everyday

The Unknown says:
ohhhhhhhh nooooooooo

The Unknown says:
i should have stayed back then

The Unknown says:
then we could share

The Unknown says:
hehehehehe

J says:
haha

J says:
it's good though, saves me heaps of money i guess

The Unknown says:
yea??

The Unknown says:
how much have u saved?

The Unknown says:
50%

J says:
hahaha not enough

The Unknown says:
more?

The Unknown says:
that's because????

J says:
hmm its more like 10%

The Unknown says:
hahahahahaa

The Unknown says:
so food isn;t ur main expenditure

J says:
coz things keep popping up

The Unknown says:
hhahahahaa

J says:
things that require $$

The Unknown says:
yea i knowwww

J says:
birthdays, events.. blah blah

The Unknown says:
least u know

The Unknown says:
it's not like me

The Unknown says:
i did a breakdown on the stuff i spend on in a day

The Unknown says:
and guess what??

J says:
yeah>

J says:
?

The Unknown says:
know what i spend on the most?

J says:
coffee?

The Unknown says:
that's one

The Unknown says:
but that's minimal

J says:
?

The Unknown says:
..coke!!!!!!!!!!!

J says:
ahhahahahaa

J says:
thats funny

The Unknown says:
i spend more than my lunch on coke

J says:
i hardly spend any cash during the week

The Unknown says:
3-4 cans a day

The Unknown says:
crap

The Unknown says:
more than petrol, more than lunch

J says:
unless I go out after work

J says:
hahaha

The Unknown says:
heheheh drinks then huh

J says:
don't really have much of a life anymore

The Unknown says:
same here

The Unknown says:
it sucks

The Unknown says:
it's like i just got realsed from prison

J says:
i don't mind it

J says:
it's like a new stage in life

The Unknown says:
hey

J says:
it's inevitable

The Unknown says:
u have quite a bit to look forward to

The Unknown says:
no it's not

J says:
i'm embracing it

The Unknown says:
well, for me, kl is literally almost empty now

The Unknown says:
really??

The Unknown says:
y?

J says:
because i'm ready

The Unknown says:
really?

The Unknown says:
u know i was in melb too

J says:
?

The Unknown says:
umm hmm

The Unknown says:
but not here

J says:
really

J says:
why?

The Unknown says:
because i guess in a way i;m constantly reminded of what i had before i went away

The Unknown says:
and also, i came back here, one of the reasons is that i would be better off here in a way

The Unknown says:
that was the decisive reason and definately part of the plan

J says:
yeah i know

The Unknown says:
and u and i know, plans don't walways work out

The Unknown says:
and u know me

The Unknown says:
hehehehe

J says:
hehe

The Unknown says:
and what happens when things dun work out

J says:
but we still make them...

The Unknown says:
yea

The Unknown says:
my life in melb was closer to ideal than it is for me here right now

J says:
aww is that why you miss it?'

The Unknown says:
nowadays i think i'm more concerned about balance

The Unknown says:
yes it is

The Unknown says:
it is

The Unknown says:
i know it beause

The Unknown says:
i actually stopped getting nightmares in melb

J says:
oh btw.. i got my graduation stuff

The Unknown says:
COOOLL

The Unknown says:
i've got an email saying they;ve sent it

The Unknown says:
so gotta wait till next week to find out, it's the long chinese new years hols here

The Unknown says:
you knwo what's brthering me J?

J says:
its on april the 10th

J says:
is that when urs is too?

The Unknown says:
i'm stressed out, and afraid that the choice i made is the one i would regret a couple of years later

The Unknown says:
yeap mine's on the same day!

The Unknown says:
...we should be rightttttt????

The Unknown says:
and i got it

J says:
why do you think u'll regret it?

The Unknown says:
because the bet is on which is the greener side

The Unknown says:
you know all those things we talked bout?

J says:
yup

The Unknown says:
i'm just worried that i would be able to achieve them more in aus than in malaysia

The Unknown says:
you know

J says:
you having serious doubts?

J says:
wowww

J says:
when did you realize all this?

The Unknown says:
and just before i left aus, i must admit, it was pretty comfy already

The Unknown says:
a month after i came back

The Unknown says:
u know on of the main reasons i came back

The Unknown says:
is because i know the possiblilty for a very very successful career is almost imminant in malaysia
compared to aus for me

The Unknown says:
that stil stands

The Unknown says:
but u know what J??

J says:
??

The Unknown says:
i'm seriously wondering

The Unknown says:
or rather i have serious doubts

The Unknown says:
that if i really want that???

J says:
wowww

The Unknown says:
no kidding

J says:
you've been hanging out with me and m too much!!!

The Unknown says:
here i am cocooned in the comfort of a nice car

The Unknown says:
and there i am

The Unknown says:
thiking how nice it is to walk on the cobbled laneways when it's just done raining?

The Unknown says:
you know

J says:
hmmm that's a tough one

J says:
the other reason is]

The Unknown says:
you know what i mean

J says:
straight after you finished studying you didn't break for holiday or anyone

J says:
you just dived head in to work

The Unknown says:
i did for a week

J says:
a week is nothing

The Unknown says:
yea but i was happy

The Unknown says:
when i first started work

The Unknown says:
then it slowly came

The Unknown says:
the realisation

J says:
you have to be on holidays until you feel bored out of your brains and really and charged to
worok

The Unknown says:
it's not about work J

The Unknown says:
it's about life

The Unknown says:
over here i'm so detached from it

The Unknown says:
u know u can be alone and in touch with life

The Unknown says:
good example is the coffee by urself on the beach

The Unknown says:
over here it's completely detached

J says:
but why can't you do that over there?

The Unknown says:
one., there's no beach in kl

J says:
can't you go for nice drives

The Unknown says:
two, the dynamics of the city is very very different

J says:
or walks in the mall

The Unknown says:
it's different

The Unknown says:
the way the city feels

The Unknown says:
you know

J says:
hmmm

The Unknown says:
i'm perfectly comffy in melb to take a stroll down to lygon and get myself a nice latte

The Unknown says:
but over here

The Unknown says:
it doesn't feel that way

J says:
hmmm.....

The Unknown says:
over in aus i can lay back and wathc the leaves falls and do my thinking and my plotting

The Unknown says:
here, i can';t

The Unknown says:
i think it really boils down to

The Unknown says:
what i want

J says:
can you substitute all that for something else now in KL?

J says:
perhaps curl up in bed and read a book

The Unknown says:
rather than what i can achieve

J says:
??

The Unknown says:
been doing that, curling up on a sofa in an air conditioned room watchig dvds

J says:
yeah that's alwyas nice to do

The Unknown says:
and messing about with my car at night

The Unknown says:
coz maybe that's all tat is

The Unknown says:
i;m serious pondering

The Unknown says:
if a really successful career is what that is gonna make me happy?

The Unknown says:
because i seriously don't feel too contented now

The Unknown says:
though i know i'm already ahead?

J says:
oh....

J says:
it's a toss up

The Unknown says:
hahahahah

The Unknown says:
messed up it s

J says:
maybe you won't know until you're in that situation

The Unknown says:
you're right in that sense

The Unknown says:
that's y i'm in such a mess

The Unknown says:
i can't make the distinctive judgement

The Unknown says:
and an informed choice

The Unknown says:
hate that

The Unknown says:
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The Unknown says:
oh well to wrap things up

The Unknown says:
i think that i would only know the answer somewhere down the line

The Unknown says:
time will tell they say

The Unknown says:
i just hope that by that time it won't be too late to be back.

autumn

2008-02-06T01:22:00.000+11:00

I think I am actually getting tired of this “get back to Malaysia and try to make it here” move or maybe perhaps I never would belong to any certain places but for now the rain soaked streets of Melbourne plays vividly in my mind. Everyday, each and every day as I wish I was pacing the bluestone pavements of the city instead of the plush interior of the car for one by one, each destination here seems aimless in my quest to search for home.

Yea, so?

2008-02-03T04:15:00.000+11:00

Bachelor of Architecture, First Class Honours.

Yet, the moment I was told, I spiralled into deep depression.

One would think I'm crazy now huh?

think this is it

2008-02-01T05:09:00.000+11:00

i guess i'll just ahve to say it, fuck hell, i want to return to aus.
things are all fucked up here.

i can see things being potentially rosy in the next 5 years, but the question is, can i take all the shit from now till then???

fucking third world messed up country this is!

where am I exactly?

2008-01-30T03:11:00.000+11:00

I've got a feeling I'm lost all over again.

tired

2008-01-22T00:05:00.000+11:00

this firm is seriously full of shit.

and just great, i just got thrown a can of worms.

expect me to work throughout my cny hols?

fuck you understand! i don't need this sorta shits.
you losers can do that, i need to reclaim or rather just salvage whatever's left of my life.

709 days till i tender my resignation. who knows maybe even sooner.

days

2008-01-17T04:56:00.000+11:00

713 till I tender.

i am just constantly that this is a third world country.

close enough for comfort.

2008-01-15T03:50:00.000+11:00

8 minutes to work.
2 ringgit toll.
white ikea furnitures.
green mountains.

and a pool which opens to the night skies.
still renting though but I sure am contented for now.

santa

2007-12-25T01:46:00.000+11:00

Empty is what it feels like starting all over again and certainly homecoming doesn’t feel that way.

Or when you run out of words because flashes of places, faces and all those sorts come in mind and you run out of words to write.

I need a new table, not a used one, white straight from Ikea. It is just too bad they don’t sell those skinny long table tops like they do in Australia as I really the proportion, I like the table I had in Melbourne.

I want an apartment, 2 bedrooms in a proper area. It has to have a nice pool opened to the night skies. I never did like the midget sized indoor ones at my apartment in Melbourne. It doesn’t make sense for me to pay rent monthly when I can be paying that amount back to my dad, if he were to lend me the money. I’ve been broke, lived on white rice and canned beans to know not to ever again. Instead of being awfully tempted to spend it on a new merc, it makes more sense to lend it to me. I’ll even throw in interest.

I would love to have the new c-class but the test drive ended in disappointment. It’s a nice car, nicely put together and well, that’s about it. It isn’t special and the dashboard finishing is completely horrible. Half the price and you could get a Civic. That would be a better buy since both have no character, no soul what so ever.

A 1968 240D, I would gladly buy one and restore, once I have enough money lying around.

I’ve worked it out. In a year and a half I’ll be able to afford the bank loan. Either way I am getting a place.

The office is not what it was like anymore. 736 days until the day I tender my resignation.

The other office has something most offices don’t, and it is none other than old values. Nothing can buy those souls. It’s the closest thing to family. I will be back.

I see a linear marble bench top, spanning from the end of the entry right across the living room to the balcony, dotted with unbleached cotton pillows. An Arcam Solo finishes the other end.

The pillows are great for people to sit during after parties, after barbeques or just the impromptu cook over. A few carefully selected framed photos will make great conversation pieces. Close friends will of course hang out at the balcony, sipping Johnny’s and laughing over those days.

Close friends who today have been even scarcer. We won’t forget those who forgot, and the very one from those days who now fucked us because he thinks he’s made it. We are just a little over 25, there’s plenty of time for us to engineer your downfall. I won’t because I wasn’t always that close to you, but the other chap will because he was and I won’t lift a finger to stop him and neither to help you. You fucked up big time this time around you coward, you always were.

30 will still remain, 33 the most when everything should come together and hopefully we can sit at Chilli’s, right there at good old BSC knowing things worked out and we finally made it while we wait for our women to arrive for they will be, as expected late.

And for her whom which by then I will just have the faintest memory of good times together, to find peace. I did love her once no matter if that is relevant on that day or even today.

Maybe emptiness is happiness yet to come, sadness is when they were not treasured and relieve is by knowing that they will be.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Moments away

2007-12-11T03:04:00.000+11:00

...and all that was familiar will be renewed. All that was just moments away will come to live once again. All that was lost will now be found again!